Let’s Talk About Sex

I know we barely know each other–this is only my 17th post and all; but, it is time to have a frank discussion about sex and our culture, and most importantly, our children. I am not ashamed to say that my views on sex are shaped very much by my Catholic faith. Shake your head if you will, but the Catholic Church has 2000 years of consistent teachings on this topic and she is not too prude to discuss her experience with us if we would only listen. It took me a long time before I listened to my wise mother and what she had to say about sex. And once I started reading from her treasure trove of knowledge (aka Catechism of the Catholic Church) there were no questions left unanswered and she proved herself to be a very consistent, loving and challenging teacher. Just as parents have rules and boundaries to keep their children safe and guide them to becoming independent and stable adults, the Church gives us rules and guidelines to help us love God, neighbor and ourselves and to attain happiness with Him in heaven.

There are two articles that I recently read that have prompted this article. These combined with the full-on assault on our sexuality through the media, music and secular culture have me deeply concerned about our children’s well-being and their future. You see, I want my kids to have great sex if they are called to marriage; but, more than that I want my children to master chastity because that is the tool that is needed in every walk of life: married or single, homosexual or heterosexual, child or adult, male or female, no matter race or creed. For all the talk of sex in our world there is little talk of chastity. Abstinence is mentioned from time to time, but it is either in a condescending tone that we cannot possible abstain and control our impulses; or it is trivialized to the point that all single people should practice abstinence or they will be ruined and used and made filthy for life. Somewhere in the middle is reality and that is where you will find the Catholic Church. She asks us to strive for perfection and remain pure. The graces to do so are given in abundance if one only asks God for them. At the same time, if we fall the Church has provided us with the Sacrament of Reconciliation where we can wipe our souls clean and be filled with grace to avoid the same pitfalls in the future. Sadly, the world (and many Catholics) do not know the good news and the ways of the world are very seductive.

Let’s break down the first article “Dear Daughter: I Hope You Have Awesome Sex.” The father is reacting against the premise of owning his daughter. He doesn’t want to treat his daughter like an object that he owns and controls. Let’s give him points for this! Indeed, no person owns or controls any other person. That would be slavery. Yet, what he fails to realize is that a father should be the protector of his children, most especially his daughters. What?! Daughters and sons should be treated the same! No. Women and men are different and have very different needs. Both girls and boys should be taught virtue and self-control. Both should be taught to respect other people. But, daughters are more vulnerable. Rape is a very real crime. It is the worst crime that can be perpetuated on a woman. When a girl is out on a date the role of protection is passed from the father to the man. His duty is to respect and guard her dignity. Now, here is the point of contention. The author is saying that he hopes his daughter has great consensual sex and urges her to follow her instincts. The underlying message assumes that she will use “protection” to have “safe” sex, so STD’s and pregnancy will not be issues. This father does not take into account that ALL contraceptives have failure rates. So, he is giving his daughter permission to play roulette with her body. Let us set aside all the negative side effects of the contraceptive choices and just look at what happens when they fail. Now, your daughter has an increase risk of cervical cancer, contracting a sexually transmitted disease (which are growing at astronomical rates and are becoming increasingly antibiotic resistant) and has a high risk of becoming pregnant (because we know she is not going to just have great sex one time and then stop). I just want to scream, “What are you thinking?!” And after all of this his daughter becomes an object to be used for sex, or she is using and objectifying someone else, or both. This completely negates his original intention of treating his daughter with dignity and as her own person. We haven’t even covered the emotional damage done by the hook-up mentality. Women are emotionally aroused beings where men are physically aroused. Studies prove that women attach to the men they are having sex with. They actually produce hormones during sex that bonds them to their mate. So the promotion of sex outside of marriage is a recipe for disaster and most of the world just continues to ignore the ramifications and tries to treat the symptoms because the alternative of teaching, learning and practicing chastity is just too hard and, well, we are too spoiled to want to try.

The next article, “HuffPo Blog Encourages Teen Sex Sleepovers to Parents” was not a surprise either. I had a few friends in high school that were allowed to have their girlfriends or boyfriends sleep over. It totally shocked me then although it was relatively rare. I would never have mentioned it to my parents because it was so taboo. Now, it is apparently being promoted as healthy and normal and parents that don’t allow it must be some kind of extremist Christians or prudes. There are so many logical errors with this type of thinking I hardly know where to begin. In the second and third paragraphs, a Huffington Post blogger is arguing that parents should teach the children how to have sex well and questions why “unless they ‘just like porn . . . would you create a situation where your children are forced to hide, sneak around, be dishonest, be uncomfortable, take unnecessary risks and make uninformed decisions about their physical and emotional health?'” Well, let us unpack that thought process, shall we? First, why the assumption that our children are looking at porn or having sex behind our backs? It is presented like an either/or situation. We have so saturated our culture that sex is necessary to survive and function normally that we have become enslaved to it. In reality sex is an optional activity. And the premise to “teach children to have sex well” is just plain creepy. Who needs to be taught how to have sex? What we need to teach our children is the purpose of our bodies. May I suggest books based on the Theology of the Body? The Theology of the Body is a compilation of 129 of Pope John Paul II’s weekly audiences given between 1979 and 1984 where he delves into the beauty and “integrated vision of the human person” (www.theologyofthebody.net) Lastly, why do we expect that our children are incapable of living chaste lives? Because we couldn’t? The generations raised since the so-called sexual revolution are so brainwashed into thinking that sex is the be-all and end-all, and that we should do whatever feels good, we have fooled ourselves into believing that there are no consequences for those actions. Do we really think that our children cannot go on dates without having sex because we failed to remain chaste? I apologize for speaking in broad-sweeping generalizations. I do realize that many of us remained virgins until marriage, but many of us did not and we are fighting a culture that portrays the normal family to look more like that of “Rosanne” and less like “Leave it to Beaver”. In any case, I have a news flash: your children can remain chaste and if you haven’t mastered it yet, you can also learn to live a chaste life, nay, you must!

Later in the article we are given another either/or scenario. As parents we are either “responsible-sex-is-good” parents or “scare-them-silly” parents. Really? And what constitutes responsible sex? The Pill, condoms, abortion and the morning-after emergency contraceptives all come with extremely dangerous and ugly side-effects. Is the promotion of these methods responsible? Is it responsible to promote and expose our children to STD’s, out-of-wedlock pregnancies and emotional wounds that will take a lifetime to heal? The article claims that its approach to sex does not lead to “licentiousness, STDs, abortions and despair” but studies and life experience show us otherwise. And what happens when a girl does end up pregnant? Either we force abortion on her to cover up and rid her of the mistake, or she faces her peers and she is the “failed experiment” in the equation quickly shunned by her friends who do not want to face the reality of what results when people have sex–babies. In our complete split with reality we have actually managed to separate sex from babies and babies from sex.

Let us be clear on this, people. Abortion is a billion dollar industry that feeds on the blood of innocent babies. It is fueled by the culture of “do what feels good now and worry about the consequences later.” Your children are the target market. You can sit idly by continue to allow them to be shaped by the television shows, music and culture; or you can discover and share the Truth with them and change how they view the world. Sex is a very beautiful and good thing. God gave us this awesome gift, but it comes with boundaries to keep us all safe. Learn about and teach your children chastity. Work on mastering it yourself. The CCC is a great place to start, but the “Theology of the Body for Teens” by Jason Everett is a great way to break it down and begin living it. Whatever you do, please don’t fall for the crap that is being fed to us as “responsible parenting.” And, by the way, I’m really tired of being pegged as a prude because I expect chaste living from my children which includes abstinence outside of marriage. I have nine children here on earth and two in heaven–proof that I am hardly a prude. And for further validation check out this recent study that shows Catholics have better sex!

No Room at the Inn

Do you remember the Gospel stories about Joseph and the very pregnant Mary trying desperately to find a place to stay? Of course you do. Anyway, I can relate. I’m not pregnant and I am not in a strange city ready to give birth with no place to stay, but still I can relate. Maybe a better analogy can be taken from the movie “Cheaper by the Dozen” where the wife is out of town and the dad, played by Steve Martin (sorry, Im horrible at names–even characters in my favorite movies), is trying to find a sitter. As soon as he mentions how many children he has the person on the other end of the line hangs up. He becomes so deflated that he calls numbers and then just says, “Nevermind. I’ll just hang up on myself.” Yes. That is a much better fit. Comparing myself to the Virgin Mary probably wasn’t a good place to start.

Anyhoooowww, I love to travel. With my kids. For several years it just wasn’t possible because of babies and complicated pregnancies; but, for the past two years we have traveled to Omaha and Wisconsin and we are ready to hit the road again. So, here’s the glitch. The last couple of trips we’ve just invaded stayed with family or friends. Throw some air mattresses down, a couple of sleeping bags and the pack ‘n play for the babies and we’re there. This year my Nebraska relatives are out of town for the month of August. I know it sounds fishy, right?! I’m certain it has nothing to do with us invading staying with them two years in a row. No, really, because they were perfectly happy with us following them out to Colorado. I have friends there, so I thought we could just stay with them, but they have another family visiting that same week. Go figure. I’m sure that is just a coincidence as well. Anyway, after all these complications I decided that maybe we were supposed to find a different destination. So, Ft. Davis, Texas came to mind. We visited 13 years ago when we started homeschooling and the younger kids haven’t been to the Davis Mountains. I called the lodge where we stayed the last time. Denied. It is owned by the Texas State Parks, but we have to rent two rooms with an adult in each room. So the single mom traveling with seven minor children cannot possibly be accommodated. The girl was very nice and referred me to a neighboring State Park that rents connecting rooms. Denied again. They did say they would accommodate me, but because they do not reserve specific rooms, they could not guarantee that the rooms would be connected or even near one another. Common sense tells me it would not be wise to travel 12 hours across the state and hope that we get connecting rooms when we arrive at 9pm.

I drove 12 hours with 7 kids! I can’t believe you don’t have connecting rooms!!

This phenomenon is not anything new. Any family with more than three children experiences the no-room-at-the-inn response unless you want to rent two rooms at $100 each and that is at the cheap end. After six kids you are straight out of luck unless you split into three rooms and convince your mother-in-law to join you. Of course, then you don’t have room in the car and two vehicles are required. After the expense and hassle it is no longer a fun get away, but has morphed into a strange form of self-torture and the most expensive vacation that you have ever planned. (Note: This is nothing against my mother-in-law who is one of the sweetest women I have ever known and who has taken many vacations with us before the last three kids squeezed her out of the car) But, I digress. Last summer the kids and I drove all the way to Green Bay, Wisconsin. It was great. We stayed with family and friends in Omaha on the way up and stayed with family in Green Bay as well. Well, nine hours into the twelve-hour drive back to Omaha I knew I was done. Actually, I realized it three hours into the trip and was smart enough to call my husband and have him find a hotel room in Des Moines. We hit Des Moines at 9pm and I was exhausted. My fourteen year-old acting as my own personal cheerleader kept me awake sitting next to me in the front seat. “You can do it, Mom!” Only 10 more minutes. Nine more minutes. Eight more minutes. Each minute seemed to drag on forever until we saw the exit. I went and checked in at the front desk and left the kids in the car. I scoped out the layout of the front desk and elevators. I strategized the best way to get to the second floor with 8 kids unnoticed. Ha! Lucky for me the rolling rack was available. I rolled it out to the car and proceeded to load up the two suitcases, two playpens, eight pillows, blankets and baby dolls. I had the oldest carry the baby and the fourteen year-old carry the toddler. The other four kids were instructed to walk on the right side of the cart and to be quiet. We managed to make it onto the elevator just fine and the kids thought the mission had been accomplished, but I quickly quieted them and said, “No. We have to make it into the room and then we can’t be loud or disturb the others staying at the hotel.” Upon exiting the elevator I noticed the night manager at the other end of the floor. “Quick, kids. Behind the cart.” We quickly opened our door and ushered in and flopped on the bed in laughter. I’m certain no one noticed the overloaded cart, the mom and eight kids in tow. If they did may God bless them for taking pity on us and looking the other way. The room arrangement was an exercise in geometry all on its own. Thank goodness for the oversized window ledge that made a bed for Lauren. Three kids slept sideways on one double bed, Joshua was on the floor between the wall and one bed, Allison and I shared the other double bed and we squeezed one playpen between the beds and one at the foot of my bed. There was little room to spare, but we all had a place to lay our heads, air conditioning and indoor plumbing.

It is sad that it had to come to that. To sneaking into a hotel room like we were thieves in the night. It is a statement of just how anti-family our society has become. Most people would never know how it affects big families. The reservations operators always apologize, but quickly state that their hands are tied by fire safety codes and insurance regulations. I understand the laws are meant to protect us, but sometimes our efforts to avoid any and all suffering really just take the enjoyment out of the simple things in life. My kids would happily sleep on blanket pallets on the floor to expand their horizons and see more of the world, but it is nearly impossible to find a place that allows you to do so without spending hundreds of dollars a night for shelter or being dishonest about how many kids you have and essentially breaking the law by violating codes and ordinances. So, the next time I plan a vacation I will call several hotels and when they answer I may just say, “Never mind. I’ll just hang up on myself.” And then I will take out my list of contacts and start calling friends and family to see if they are up for a visit from their crazy Texas kinfolk. Don’t worry, folks, I’ll bring wine and buy the groceries!

Fun Finds for Home and Home School

My Monday grocery trip was a success today. For one I only had to go to two stores in 102 degree Texas heat and secondly I found two great items at Aldi for my preschooler and Kinders.

If you don’t have an Aldi in your town then you are missing out on saving some money. When they opened up here the kids and I did a price study and compared prices between Aldi and Walmart. I saved 33% over Walmart! Now that’s saying something. Anyway they carry very limited grocery items and most are private label and then they have an aisle of miscellaneous stuff. It can be anything really. It can be anything from plastic bins, kids toys or camping gear to hiking boots or plants. This week I found a sticker book for my two-year old. His favorite game is naming objects so this colorful book allows him to practice naming things, build his vocabulary and tune his fine motor skills by placing the sticker over its matching silhouette. Win!

My second great find? Nesting bowls! My husband is driven crazy by my compulsive tendency to buy toys that are in sets because inevitably a piece is lost or broken and the set is no longer good. I am slightly on the OCD side and I like things matched and organized. Nine kids have lessened this compulsion by the way. Anyway I found this:

Nesting bowl set from Aldi

I enjoy using Montessori techniques in our home school, so items like this fit the bill perfectly. And did you notice that it is in color order of the rainbow? What OCD personality doesn’t love that?!

It has measuring cups, a strainer and a colander plus a large bowl and a small bowl complete with measurements! All of the pieces are a sturdy plastic with handles that are great to grip with little hands. So, the littles can help in the kitchen or just entertain themselves by stacking and playing with the bowls. It was less than $10 and has been the hit toy of the day for all my young ones.

Ben is mixing cake for me!

And no Aldi did not pay me for this post ;-). I just like to share good finds.