I look especially tired today after staying up until past midnight watching a live feed of the Texas Senate. Senator Wendy Davis filibustered all day long trying to defeat a bill that would essentially shut down the majority of abortion facilities in the state. Her filibuster was ended after a third strike against filibustering rules. Democratic senators were quick to appeal the ruling and politics and parliamentary procedure were hard at work. I witnessed dirty politics on both sides with the Republicans appearing to be pushing through to get the vote in and Democrats questioning procedure and wasting precious time to thwart the vote. Then the crowd began to riot and roar and all was chaos. It was very unnerving. The leaders didn’t appear to be leading, or at least leading with integrity; and the opposition just did whatever it could to throw a wrench in the system. To add insult to injury, all pro-lifers appeared to be blocked from commenting on Wendy Davis’ Facebook page concerning the filibuster. As a constituent I found the fact that my speech was silenced to be especially frustrating and unjustified.
I am an idealist I know. I feel like issues should be debated, a vote taken, and the majority rules. Then we will all go on with our lives and work to change the rules or happily live within them. This is not reality. Politics is ugly. I am tired and busy and have a life to live, but then I feel so compelled to stand up for what is right and true and just. Then I think, “Who am I to say what is right, true or just?” I am no one. This is very true. I am just a wife, just a mother, just a daughter, a mere human being with most likely half of my life already spent on this earth. But, it is not I that say what is true, just or right. It is God. I am a mere instrument of His works. He created me. He created everything and everybody. When I stand (or post on Facebook) and speak it should be to glorify God and my words should only be those that speak Truth. I fall short. I post hasty responses with more emotion than discernment from time to time. I am not a perfect representative of Christ, but then none of us are. Our imperfections should not keep us from speaking or acting in a right fashion, but they should be continually acknowledged and weeded out as we continue to strive for perfection. See, it’s my Illusioned Perfectionism theory all over again. I think the simple problem is that Christians have stopped acknowledging their sins in a concrete way. If we can’t see and name our faults then we cannot cast them out. And if we are not working on casting out and naming our own faults, then what business do we have in pointing out the faults in others?
Judgement and criticism are two of my biggest faults. So, I started to say a “Hail Mary” every time a critical thought comes to my mind. I figure that this helps me become aware that I am doing it and then turn it into a positive. It also is helping me to admit that I am not going to change ANYBODY else. I am not going to change hearts or minds whether the debate is over which end of the toothpaste to squeeze or whether marriage should be one man and one woman or something completely different. In all honesty I don’t even have the power on my own to change myself. I have to rely on the grace of God and his infinite love and mercy. It is up to God to change hearts. He asks us to be open to him and to pray. To know him, to love him and to serve him in this world so that we may be with him in Heaven. It is the first formal lesson I teach my children about their purpose in life. I would do well to remember it myself. In the meantime, I will not be afraid. Even if all my freedoms are stripped from me, I still have my will and may God take it and make it totally His!